The only cure for pain is the pain. - Rumi
The only cure for pain is the pain.
- Rumi
This is a journal entry from 2016 that I feel called to share.
Dec 19, 2016
I sat in the hot car, sweat pouring down my body. It was July. The windows rolled up tight, the air conditioning off. It was stifling hot, but that wasn’t why I couldn’t breathe. The pain was suffocating me, it’s black tendrils taking over my mind, curling in my nose and down my throat cutting off the oxygen. Only one thought circling my mind over and over again like an out of control playground wheel; “I can’t do it any more, I have to die.”. All hope of a better day was choked out by the relentless pain. No one would care. The boys would be better off. I didn’t matter.
As I opened the bottle of night time pain reliever and took out a razer blade I knew I had no other choice.
No one cared. I was all alone. I couldn’t continue with this pain. There was no other choice.
As I made a shallow cut into my wrist I felt the sting of sweat on my arms. The fear circling over and over; “What if I survive?”. The only thing worse than the pain would be to survive and have to deal with everything.
In the end I couldn’t do it. I berated myself for being weak. For being a coward.
A few months later I was determined to find joy, choose joy every day. I watched inspirational videos. I read uplifting books. I prayed and read the scriptures and did energy work. And I was happy. The fog had lifted and I was confident and determined to help others turn their lives around.
December 19th was like any other day. I decided it would be great, but in one short hour everything came crashing down and once again I felt the crushing weight of heartache and pain so heavy I thought it may press me through the earth. I wanted to die, the only escape I could imagine from the increasing darkness and despair.
No one would care. I didn’t matter. Please let me die.
My brain was in knots. One twisted, continuous loop of hopelessness and despair. All was blackness. There was no escape. I was a prisoner to the agonizing and relentless pain. TV, food, reading; nothing could drown out the despair, the fear, the loneliness, and the pain. I was exhausted. Emotionally and physically, but my mind wouldn’t slow down to allow sleep.
No one cares. I don’t matter. I want to die.
The constant thoughts ripped at me like violent waves on an angry sea. They pulled me under like a rip tide, drowning me in the depth of sorrow.
No one could help. No one would save me. No one cared. I was alone. I was alone.
So my friend, if you are facing your dark night of the soul, if you feel you can’t breathe and there is no light and if you feel you may be crushed by the weight of it all, I have been there. Please hang on. I have gotten to the other side and have found light and breath and even joy.
I’ll follow up tomorrow on a bit of what I have learned since these dark days.
Much love,
Jules ❤
