Learning to trust.
Learning to trust.
It hit me. Hard. I had been taking ownership of other’s lives, getting in the way of their opportunities to learn and to grow. Again.
Codependency is the new buzz word, but what is it really? In Melody Beattie’s book, “Codependent No More”, she describes it as a person, “who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.” Another definition is someone who knows it all, does it better and is never wrong. The bottom line is that codependency is counterfeit love.
I grew up believing that if you loved someone, you worried about them, and gave them advise- especially if you saw them making the “wrong” decision. Love was stepping in and helping or saving them. Now I know that worry and unsolicited advise is simply criticism. It’s sending the message that you believe that they are not capable, that they are not smart enough to figure out what to do without your help. Ugh. I’ve felt that in my life and it doesn’t inspire me to be my best self or take accountability.
As a single mother of young children, I needed to make decisions for them. As with any parent, I made mistakes. My actions and choices weren’t always spot on and boy did I feel the criticism and judgement of those around me. With little to no support I quickly allowed these judgments in, believing I was a bad mom, a bad person, even a monster. Not surprisingly this led me to believe my children’s choices reflected this and I had difficulty letting go as they grew older. Rather than allowing them to face consequences and challenges head on, I protected them, thus blocking them from gaining experience and learning life lessons along the way.
I was blessed to be allowed to attend a family group meeting where I learned about Al Anon and the 12 steps of AA. I learned about codependency, read Melody’s book, and worked the steps with a sponsor; all life changing experiences. I began to heal emotionally, learned how to feel my feelings rather than react to them, and I learned to set boundaries. I grew step by step, until I found myself relapsing, again. 😜
This recently happened. My boys were facing some challenges and I found myself enmeshed; looking for solutions for them, upset when I felt they were being treated unfairly, giving suggestions. As I sat on my back porch meditating yesterday the message was clear. Not only were there situations I had held onto, I was taking them on again. In an instant I knew that God had sent these lessons specifically for them and I was taking them away. I was stifling their progress and stunting their growth with my counterfeit love. I needed to stop and trust that God had them- again. So I breathed into the worry, I visualized handing them over to their Savior, and trusting. I would love to say that I let go and moved on gracefully, but that is definitely not what happened. Once again my mind would start in on all the anxiety and “what if’s” and I would do it all over again. I did this over and over the rest of the evening, feeling the waves of panic, breathing into them, handing my son over, and trusting. And while I am better today, I’m still feeling the anxiety in my stomach and I choose to trust. Trust in God’s plan. Trust in my son’s abilities. Trust that all will be well.
That is codependency.
What I have learned about codependency is that I’ve never met or heard of anyone who isn’t codependent., and while I believe there is no cure (call it the fall of man, call it the ego, the truth is it’s part of our human experience), I have learned many tools that help to manage and be more aware of it.
So to my fellow recovering codependents I send you my love and encourage you to treat yourself with kindness and grace. It’s not easy to change amidst a world so saturated in the sickness (just turn on the TV or watch a movie and you’ll be bombarded with examples of codependency). A sickness that looks so normal, that stepping out of the habit of saving someone or giving advise feels almost wrong. Do your best and know that when you relapse (and you will relapse) you can always ask for forgiveness and choose again. ❤
Much love,
Jules
